Hash

I can't sleep.

The Voice in my Head tears me apart with all that I could have done,
All that I should have done,
All that I didn't.
All that I did.

Focus on something good, I tell myself, resolutely optimistic, willing it to shutup.
Something good?
I stare down at my purple nails, at a complete loss.
Fine then, create a situation of uhh relaxation and beautifulness, Okay?
Okay.

You're lying down on a hammock on some serene, pristine, gorgeous island that no one has discovered yet.
Tan?, the Voice in my Head questions anxiously
No, you've got sunscreen on, I reassure it hurriedly.
You're wearing that swimsuit that you've always wanted but you've never been allowed to buy.
Waxed your legs?, the Voice in my Head interrupts maliciously
Ohshutup. It's my island and my fantasy and I have the perfect body..and umm..other cool body attributes like no body hair.
SO anyway, you're surrounded by a bevy(?) of hot men who...
Men, the Voice in my Head snorts contemptously

I want to poke it's eye out.

I content myself with pranayam instead.
Block all negative thoughts. No desires. No oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-I-did-that. No...
Breathe in,
Breathe out.

Stop.

Ooooo it's raining.

Shit. I need to stop getting distracted so easily.
Oh look, a shiny object.
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I don't know what to do anymore.
Everyone's changing.
*snap*
I started it.
But then I stopped.

I haven't changed, have I?
Except for the dark circles ringing my eyes and increasing shrillness of the Voice in my Head.

But I can face paint.
Masks? I'm a pro.

Kill the Voice in my head?

Half dead, they called her, half dead.