Behind these Hazel Eyes

I always thought you were a bit of an idiot.

I still remember the first time I met you.
I couldn't take my eyes off you. I was mesmerized by the long crazy hair, the eyebrow piercing and your slow easy smile. The fact that your shirt was off and you were playing guitar didn't help.
Were you sober then?
I can't seem to remember.
I don't think so though, I don't think I've ever seen you sober.
You watched me watch you and then you smirked. I looked away. You laughed. Your eyes were hazel in the light. You smelt of Malboros and Davidoff and woodsmoke.
You were beautiful, even in the dark.
You were my new addiction.

You were a swimmer, weren't you?
That would explain the muscle and raw energy. I used to come just to watch you take the plunge and sweep through the water with strong polished strokes. I couldn't get enough of you.
Your fingerstips were calloused, rough and cynical like your moods. Guitar made you happy but twisted your fingers.
You used to sing to me, you know. I miss that the most. In that husky smokers' voice, like you were going to kill me and kiss me all in one minute.
You were beautiful, even when you were angry.
I remember I hid your favourite converse once, just to piss you off, just to watch your eyes darken and your hair curl. You needed to 'Get Out'. You couldn't find them. You held my shoulders and shook me. It hurt. Were you sober? I don't remember.
You scared me, you know.

You used to cry in your sleep, did you know that? Baby tears. I never knew what to do. I used to hold you and sing to you. Nursery rhymes, rap, anything soft and rhythemic.
You were smart. Too smart. We all knew that. You escaped whenever you could and left behind a web of lies to placate us. The minute you smiled you had us exactly where you wanted us to be. We missed the signs. We never thought..we never knew..

I can't believe you jumped.
I miss you.
You are my favourite scar.

Idiot.