You can't hide the cracks

I feel broken lately, hollow.
I’ve lost even the miniscule part of me that wants to pretend to be happy because somehow, it’s just not worth it.
I see you, in your boxers and your Maiden tee shirt and your hair and your eyes and your converse and your madness and I expect to feel something, anything.
But I don’t.
And you don’t want me.
Who would? I’m young and depressing, I smile with my mouth and sit in corner almost begging for peace. I don’t twirl my hair around my fingers, I don’t touch you when I talk to you, I let you tickle me without bothering to squirm and when I tell you I don’t feel, I mean it.
Any hot blooded male would lose interest so I don’t blame you.
The problem here is..I lied.
I do feel. But I feel when I least expect it and when it hits me it’s like I can’t breathe.
I’m drowning underwater and my senses have been numbed. I’m not flailing about, I’m watching the sharks, eager almost, to catch the blue turn red.
Sometimes I think I want you but then I see the side of you that is human with its imperfectness-the way you burp and think it’s funny, how you scratch your head when you’re thinking, the way you drum anything right in front of you, the feeling in your eyes which makes you human, the catch in your voice and the way you say ‘what else’ when you don’t want me to hang up but mostly, I hate that you don’t WANT me, not really.
I’m just there, in between, someone who’ll call you back cause you don’t have balance, someone who’ll come for a walk or a movie cause all your friends are out of town..you don’t care.
But like I said, I don’t blame you.
I’m not worth it.
You deserve someone who wants to live.
Baby boy, I'm a blur.
Run.