Hash

I can't sleep.

The Voice in my Head tears me apart with all that I could have done,
All that I should have done,
All that I didn't.
All that I did.

Focus on something good, I tell myself, resolutely optimistic, willing it to shutup.
Something good?
I stare down at my purple nails, at a complete loss.
Fine then, create a situation of uhh relaxation and beautifulness, Okay?
Okay.

You're lying down on a hammock on some serene, pristine, gorgeous island that no one has discovered yet.
Tan?, the Voice in my Head questions anxiously
No, you've got sunscreen on, I reassure it hurriedly.
You're wearing that swimsuit that you've always wanted but you've never been allowed to buy.
Waxed your legs?, the Voice in my Head interrupts maliciously
Ohshutup. It's my island and my fantasy and I have the perfect body..and umm..other cool body attributes like no body hair.
SO anyway, you're surrounded by a bevy(?) of hot men who...
Men, the Voice in my Head snorts contemptously

I want to poke it's eye out.

I content myself with pranayam instead.
Block all negative thoughts. No desires. No oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-I-did-that. No...
Breathe in,
Breathe out.

Stop.

Ooooo it's raining.

Shit. I need to stop getting distracted so easily.
Oh look, a shiny object.
Facebookhasalottoanswerfor

I don't know what to do anymore.
Everyone's changing.
*snap*
I started it.
But then I stopped.

I haven't changed, have I?
Except for the dark circles ringing my eyes and increasing shrillness of the Voice in my Head.

But I can face paint.
Masks? I'm a pro.

Kill the Voice in my head?

Half dead, they called her, half dead.

Crooked Teeth

I know her.
I know that she has a tiny scar next to her navel where her appendix was taken out.
I know that she's allergic to peanuts.
I know that she loves dogs but only the kind that don't drool too much and don't get hair all over her black clothes.
I know that she's in love with the idea of love.
I know that she wears that silver chain around her ankle because it's Lucky.
I know that she started smoking up because like everyone she knew she wanted to die almost as much as she wanted to live.
I know that she slips on dreams.
I know that she hates it when people leave.
I know that everytime she gets off a train her heart skips a beat.
I know that the only icecream she eats is the double chocolate chip brownie fudge ice cream at Baskins.
I know that when she smiles, her face face lights up and a beautiful dimple at the corner of her lips begs for you to smile back and when she crys, the dimple looks like a scar.
I know that if she were an animal, she'd be a tiger.
I know that any sign of weakness disgusts her.
I know that she plays with fire and collects masks.
I know that insects that fly scare her to death, that she would rather slay dragons than face a flying cockroach.
I know that the only reason she slashes on so much mascara is because she hopes to hide behind it.
I know that she knows every single word to 'All I want is you'.
I know that she still wishes on rainbows.
I know that when she'd had chicken pox at 7, she'd had an imaginary friend called Zara.
I know that when she's nervous, she bites her lip.
I know that she cried while watching Titanic but she didn't want anyone to see her cry so she bit her tongue instead.
I know that the only reason she learnt how to play football in the beginning was to impress him, but now she loves it more than she loved him when he existed.
I know that her favourite book is 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
I know that she has a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back.
I know that she has a scar on her eyebrow which she got when she slipped in the bathroom when she was 5.
I know that every night, she fights with the shadows in her head, I know that she cries herself to sleep.
I know that she dyed her hair red so that it would shine and let her fade.
I know that she has a thing for vampires and drummers with long dark hair.
I know that she doesn't think she's beautiful.

I knew her.


I know him.
I know that his second toe is longer than his first.
I know that he at 8, he was convinced he was from Mars and spoke only in 'Martian' for a month.
I know that he modeled for a bit, but he hated it.
I know that he cut himself when he heard that his parents were going to get a divorce.
I know that he loves strawberries and cream and his favourite midnight snack is cold cereal.
I know that he wears a tee shirt and a shirt over that because he thinks he looks too thin without it.
I know that he says his ideal woman in Lara Croft from the xbox series because he can force her to do his will, and she never wears a bra.
I know that he'd rather rescue the spider than kill it.
I know that sometimes, the way he sees life scares him to death.
I know that he suffers from clausterphobia because when he was little he locked himself in a cupboard by mistake.
I know that he hates it when people eat from his plate.
I know that he's his own worst enemy.
I know that if he wrote a book he'd title it 'Confessions of an Escape Artist'.
I know that he had a pet cat called Darth Vader and after it died he swore he would never get another.
I know that if he were an animal, he'd be a wolf.
I know he had braces for 3 years and was mercilessly bullied about them.
I know that learnt how to wrestle cause he wanted to beat up his bullies. He did. He got suspended for a week. They never touched him after that.
I know thar he'd die without his guitar, his i-pod and the Voice in his head.
I know that his favourite Disney movie is the Lion King because 'he comes back'.
I know that the only toothpaste he uses is the red minty one.
I know that when he writes, he's bleeding himself out.
I know that the only thing he can 'cook' is Maggie.
I know that he smells of Mont Blanc and rain.
I know that he started smoking at 13.
I know that he only eats the blue M 'n' M's.
I know that he's ticklish.
I know that for him, the only thing permanent is change.
I know that he's scared of butterflies.
I know that whispers turn him on, that he hates secrets.
I know that everytime someone leaves he'd rather kill himself than show any emotion. It's happened too many times for him to care.

I knew him.


I know them.
I knew them.


They were.

Ooh la

Let’s just say you’re going out to meet someone, somewhere, anywhere and then, you see him/her/*insert appropriate pronoun here*,
But they don’t see you.

Appropriate protocol to attract their attention would be:

“Hey”,
Or something equally suitable.

Not,
“LOOK AT ME”

Ishouldn’tbeletoutduringtheday.

The Beautiful Letdown

I just realized why I’ve been so passive aggressive and insatiated and hormonal and a professional snapper lately,
I need to prove myself and I don’t know how.

I’m so filled with youthful fire and energy and unsaggy boobs and eyes which have the death stare down to an A+ and I’m wasting it being cooped up in this beautiful goth building with gargoyles for protection while I’m trapped in watching them out.

Inside out girl.

Which fucking retard chooses Arts with Math?!?

I mean Really.

*sighs*

I’m a self confessed math atheist.
No one seems to be taking religious views into account anymore.
Dammit.

Anyway, back to proving myself,
Aaaarghhh!!..why is it so hard for me to go with the flow? I know I will. I do.
So then why do I feel this constant need to pretend I’m different? (keyword: pretend)

Escapist?

Me?

Screw you.

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in
Fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here

We're still chasing our tails
In the rising sun
In our dark water planet still spinning
In a direction no one wins
No one's won.

See, I don't belong here

Or so I like to think.
Prove me right.

Please.

The Denial Twist

I know I’ve built you stronger and taller and more beautiful than you are but that’s the only way I’d take you.

The minute you begin to crumble under my cruel skillful fingers,
I will hate you.

How dare you?
How dare you steal from me what I always took to be mine?

Is it not enough that I crave the You I designed?

Don’t punish me.

You who have the power to breathe life into me or leave me bleeding death.

I want you.

“I have created a monster”

(Fine. I admit it. I want him. I'm not in Denial, it's just hormones =S)

Learning to Breathe

When I look out, all I see is you.
When you look out, all you see is you.

It's about time we changed position, don't you think?



I’ve wasted so many eyelashes wishing for you.

Now that you’re here,
I want them back.

Shed

Wanna know what my favorite button is?
I’ll tell you.

Delete.

I love it.
It melts like cotton candy in my mouth.
It is also the most delusional button ever invented.
So,
I send someone, anyone, a message, filled with pent up love or anger or waaay too much emotion for anyone of my..caliber..and all that jazz.
And then
Ohfuckgpoihrwpewknr I realize that *sighs* I shouldn’t have.
So,
Tada

Delete.

Gone
*poof*
Disappears

And I sit back and bask in the glow of pretending That never happened and I never felt like that and no one else knows I feel like that anyway. *smirks*

Catch?

You’ve gotten the message.
Delete doesn’t change a thing,
Except the skin of the voice in my head.

Smoke and mirrors never proved anything.
But then again, I’ve always been a huge fan of my reflection.

Haven’t I?