Esidarap

I've been fighting feeling all my life. My layers so separated from the real world that I almost forgot what it was like to lose. I could've lost you. You could've painted me black instead of purple and orange, shades that have always been misunderstood. But instead here we are, so intrinsically twisted that sometimes I think I could be any shade you want just so you don't see the shadows shifting beneath my skin. I'm so sad, smalls. You try to shake it out of me but the sadness is in my bones and I'm just so scared. I'm scared you won't come back to me. I'm see that you've scavenged a shield for future fights so you can stay strong and untouchable but it's just not as much fun, is it?
I cried because I've never been loved with a heart so big before. I'm empty and disoriented and I could blame you but would you save me now? In all honesty I don't get why you should. I've been told that Superman only turns up if there's someone worth saving. And if you left, I'd have to figure out how to save myself but I can't even sleep with all the lights off and sometimes I talk to the ceiling and battle silhouettes with my sheets and you know I have you on speed dial lest the monsters come for me so don't go.
I don't want you to pace yourself, to space us because I'm not fighting you anymore. Then again, I don't know what I want. But you're white and I'm every colour but and you started off being my safe spot so now when I choose to live a little on the wild side I'll have to relinquish you.

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep

I could want you. But my mind plays games with me and my dreams are darker than you are.

Darling this time if you break I promise I will fix you, with twisted straws and superglue.
Because only superheroes deserve superglue.

Sleepyhead

Tell me a story, okay? you say, your voice husky with sleep.
Okay, I say, layered in sweat and blankets, cold rain cocooning my capillaries. I'm this close to curling into a curve but you're waiting so I weather my voice for you.

Once upon a time there was a little..
Cat called Felix, you interject softly.
There was a little cat called Felix alone and scared in the middle of a deep dark forest. He found a path scarred with breadcrumbs and walked his way to a house made of cotton candy. Inside he bumped into a bed too hard, a bed too soft and one that was justt right. He was an insomniac and wasn't used to sleeping without a voice in his head so he searched for comfort and lay his paws upon a big ugly laptop, a mini and a macbook pro. Happiness. Young and hungry he stumbled into 3 bowls of maggi, one too big, one too small and one just the right amount of soupy. Just when he was done licking round the split ends the room went cold and 3 dementors glided their way in. The papa dementor was pissed, the mama dementor was really pissed and the baby dementor was just plain hungry. Together they attacked him and sucked out his soul. The end.

You're silent and I think I've put you to sleep when out of the stillness you say, you know what would've been really cool? If Felix produced a Patronus and ninja-ed the dementors away and ate the house of candy.

I want to grab your hair and kiss you but instead I settle for, look at that, you chut, you complete me.
You're the sun to my moon and sometimes I traipse through terraces in the hope of getting a little bit closer to you, when I can't find my Edge. You're the glow I know like the back of my mind and if you don't want to kill the cat, i'm not complaining.

Who doesn't love a happy ending?

I used to be the same

You don't trust me. Then you go and get me rainbow straws. It's a hit and run with you, I never know when I'm knifing you into neat little pizza slices. But it's usually a boy, it's always a boy. Slash slash and a little bit of oregano. You choose to see what you want to and so do I. I'm sorry, I never meant to, but once you start it's kinda hard to trace your way back..unless you have breadcrumbs in your pocket. But all I've got is a blackberry that winks at me when you're not looking, quicksilver fingers and misgivings about myself.

It's me again. I soaked your Blood, Sugar tshirt that night, but you wouldn't let go. It would have killed me if you'd left. The irony, right? Blood on his shirt, tears on yours. If only we'd had a little bit of Magik. I told you you wouldn't understand but it was the first time a person died like the dreams I have of dying. Unpredictable, straight through the heart, I lost a life, my family man who knew more than I did about the way the world works.

I want to be happy, but I sleep too much. If you could I know what you'd say, "You're alienating yourself again" and i'd shake my head and yell at you but my toes would curl and i'd fight the urge to break things. I'm sick of so many situations but it's a bitch to separate my world from theirs. To merge it with yours. Sometimes, it's all submerge and slow feet, denial and dream fogged eyes.

16th Jan, 2012

It's unfinished but even then I was unhappy.

I was never happy with you.

Teenage Dream

Sid Vicious I have so much to say that sometimes it sparks its way up my throat like leftover emotion sickness but I don’t want that kind of attention the hold-her-hair-back-she’s-throwing-up kind I like being my own secret but then you came along and ruined it and before I knew it I was throwing up every night sometimes softly the words rushing into each other so you wouldn’t catch them even though you don’t catch me when I fall you’re the drop-her-because-I-trust-her-to-pick-herself-up kind and guess what I think I like it even though I’m paranoid and have the strangest dreams and build bubbles that trap me and tease me and think too much and I’m scared I am such a scared person and I’m just scared that bad things will happen to me I’ve had such an easy life smooth untouched lucky and spent most of it just waiting for the good things to disapparate one by one I don’t know where this comes from or why I flip out silently inside my head and why sometimes when I hug my mother I feel like I’m hugging her for the last time how my room has a blue wall and looks perfect in the light and I know one day ill miss it how I might lose my sister and I might not miss her how I don’t chill enough with a brother who I was crazy about and is growing up too fast for me to shout STOP I’m not ready to grow up and every year feels like I’m counting down towards dying it pulses through me I’m used to it now maybe this will explain why I hate getting older why I’m seized with fear when I watch people die its almost an underneath the skin obsession where I’m waiting I can't stop waiting this is just a heads up to how I’m a little bit not normal and I don’t know how to deal with this this waiting but I’m hoping you do so far you’ve been stellar but 2012 keeps getting closer and even thinking about it makes my heart shut down for a second but luckily for me I have you and you make my heart skip a beat and tell me we’ll build unbreakable walls as opposed to bubbles and no tsunami will ever find its way past us because we’re that strong interlocked so don’t go because in a way you’re one of my countdowns too I love you.

Like a fox

Hi
So I’m finishing the game you started on Brickbreaker but I’ve already lost 2 lives in 7 seconds and I’m suddenly fighting the urge to cry which I haven’t done but I don’t want to lose because you started it but when you think about it I started it and this is going to turn into one of those rants where I won’t know if I’m trying to tell you whether I love you or hate you but the beauty here is you can have both or live with none because you don’t have to see my face everyday and I wont have to play with your hair or let you push me off the bed or curl into you when everyone’s watching because it took me that much time to decide that just like how you said it’s not worth it to cry when you leave I changed my mind about how it’s not worth it to give a fuck about what anyone else thinks because you make me happy and the fact that you think I’m pristine and still me doesn’t help to not mourn about this THIS whole fucked up situation for a bit it could be anything from uptil right now or to every time I look at my wrist and see a watch that used to be yours because it used to be yours or every time I meet a boy who I’m magnetically attracted to but will never be you but hey you’re not dead but dealing is real and I miss you in a my hand reaches out and falls disturbingly when it doesn't find you way and I’m sorry I asked you out and I’m just sorry that I can find you anywhere because you light me up and you let me go and I owned you for a bit and even though you won’t know I let you own me and it made me smile.

I just started a new game. I can’t see your hand where it should be and it doesn’t make sense.
I’ll never win without you.

I’m crying.

Everybody wants to be a cat

Strip.
Layer no. 1 is easy to slip out of. It doesn’t chafe against her skin or rub her up the wrong way. It leaves her provocative and talkative, a smile too big for her mouth and hair that twines its way down her spine, hissing and writhing till she twists and turns, like a dancer on fire.
How fucking irresistible.

Strip
Layer no. 2 is like second skin. It’s fused to her so tight that she only lets it fade when no one’s watching. When it’s 3:45 at night and it’s just her and a deaf cat, when it’s 4 girls 23 shots down and sheets soaked in tears, when comrades who made her day transform into people who walk through her hiwhatsupimgoodgottahead, when she can’t save people who kill themselves every single day, on repeat.

Strip
Layer no. 3. The under the skin layer. The one that defies cheat codes, heart shaped boxes and a whole lotta love. The one that won’t let you touch her, not when you’ll leave hole shaped memories and a delete = 6. So much beauty in the unbreakable. What you won’t notice is the nail marks on her palm, how her toes curl when you talk to her how she’s so aware of you it hurts. Scaredy cat. Catfish. Catatonic. Catastrophe. She’ll never come clean but what did you expect from a girl who won’t swallow?

But hey,
Now that you’ve uncovered the layers, and you’re this close to skin,
Might as well go all in.

Top Cat!
The indisputable leader of the gang.
He's the boss, he's a pimp, he's the championship.
He's the most tip top,
Top Cat.

Stars lie like they mean it

Dear A for Apple,

My head has a heartbeat. It’s like a train thrashing through me so hard, so fast that it leaves skidmarks on my face. Only you feel my frailty, only you know how secret our scars are, how pretty they look. This city has my name etched into its curves but I’m not ready to flash mine yet. I’m not sorry you did. If you are, you’re an idiot. Over time you’ll learn that boys are bred to be played with, not to fall in love with. Sometimes, they fall in love with you, which is nice too. But come on, we don’t want to be watched we want to steal attention, break hearts not butter them, fuck the ones that won’t look us in the eye. I’m still not sorry. Filter. The ones you want from the ones you don’t. But don’t smile for them, promise me that. You don’t need to. Learn to live with yourself, to cry without an audience. Someday they’ll all clap for you, I promise.

And you’ll be standing in the dark.
Because you like it.

Love, Niv.

Cupcakes taste like Violence

We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

- Crash

Dear Pria,
There used to be a boy. And then there was another one. And there were a few in between. And I know these weren't the details you asked for, but I'd rather not get into them, because they're dirty. Spit, spit, spit, swallow. Remember the Bangle Theory? I'm cut glass-ed out bro. So many circles, so tangled up, I can't even spell emotion. It's like the wall, right? Higher, stronger, harder, faster, all that jazz. And the higher you build it, the smaller you get, until you don't see yourself as anything anymore and nobody else does either. So you scream for attention but the wall doesn’t give and before you know it you’re sprinting outside just so you can crash into the nearest person – someone provocative and talkative, shallow and misguided – touch, tease, taste, throw up.

I met him. I hid behind a pillar, curled like a baby seal and made myself almost invisible but he was drawn to me, like a moth to a flame, bra, like a moth to a flame. I know what you would’ve said “Face it. You need to do it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” But I wasn’t sure how if a person still had the same hands and the same hair and said your name in the same way, you could feel so different. Maybe we dressed the distance in a fashion we loved, maybe I did. Don’tsayitdon’tsayitdon’tsayit
See if I were you I might’ve liked it, loved it even, lived with the love. But I’m me and if you don’t keep me on edge, you’re over it. You said it first. You told me I get bored easily, I just didn’t expect it to happen with people. The hurt wasn’t worth the wait.

If I let myself feel I’d be crying through breakfast and the cab ride to college and lectures I sleep in and gokul and sunlight and the smoke dude and my girlfriends’ pretty faces and home and on my striped sheets and Shanti might make me chicken soup and Ashu and Gayu might give me a hug or a rainbow or biryani from Olympia but I’ll live with not knowing. I’m really uphappy. I’ve never felt this unhappy. Pushed up against a wall doesn’t cut it either. I wish I could purge myself off my past, walk pure. Past, right? So dramatic. But the countdown isn’t counting down and the faces get less make out worthy in the light.

This one was strange. The other one was just plain stupid. I can get over plain stupid, but strange makes me feel strange and I like the inexplicable. Then again, give me -39 seconds and his flaws blind my eyes. Make it stop. I don’t like this game. I don’t know what the prize is and all I’m losing is me.

New game?
Never fuck, never fuck, better than a… it says ‘never fuck’ for a fucking reason.
Sick.

Esh

I can’t focus. All it takes is your face in mine and I’m twirling hair and smiling and hating you. I don’t even like you. But I love that you look like me. You bleed restlessness and I’m drawn to you so I forget all the things I should be doing and I let you do me. It’s complicated. It always is. But you say when has fun ever been complicated. We’re just having fun, right? Fun with our clothes off. You look better with your clothes off. And your mouth shut. And sometimes, I fight not to kiss you like I mean it. But then you make it easy. Jedi five, Taz.

Then there’s you. I never meant to, I promise. I’ve been there. It’s an ugly place where you see me everytime you’re in S’s room, put on a shirt, brush your teeth, cross the road, wake up, breathe. Your boulevard is a living breathing memory that tastes like me. We’ve lived the fairytale, but trust me, I’m not there. I’m here. I always was. We just acted like it was perfect. You fabricated us and so did I, we were good together because we thought we were. See, that’s the catch. You can fool yourself into believing in perfection. I’m crashing. Can’t do it. This should be nicer and talk about how seamless we were and how we wove in and out of each other but come on, scars are so much more mesmerizing. I’m so sorry. My face isn’t pretty enough to stain your memory. You’ll get over it. You’re strong and stubborn. You might even hate me. The tragedy is, I might let you.

Honestly, I just wanted to be 19. You know, catch a movie, lock lips, feign love, get dinner, run in your hoodie on marine drive. But instead I got all or nothing. I'm your beauty, he's my beast. Oh slap.

I wish I was Princess Leia.
I'd get my own spaceship and ride off into the galaxy.
And sometimes i'd make out with hot men with lightsabers.
Because I'd be cool like that.