Beautiful scars on the back of my hand spell out everything I’ve left behind as I watch you saunter before me and I walk the line you leave, strewn with thorns and blistered feet. But always, I chicken out and go back to the well worn dusty face in a crowd path that the world has stripped of its dignity.
I’ve turned away from you, often, but not intentionally.
More so because I hate seeing a constant mirror of myself when I’ve always thought me to be ugly.
Beautiful scars maybe, but ugly.
And as I smirk at the way you’ve started walking on air, dreaming in the world you created while reality batters at your window in all its cruelty,
I realize, that I envy you.
I envy your ability to fight for what you don’t want.
I watch them, the Others, and I hear what they have to say.
And the line between what they expect of me and what I expect of myself has become so blurred that by the time I grasp that I’m playing for their team, it’s too late.
I’m in.
But you?
You’re sitting in the stands and pointing and laughing.
I envy you.
Even though, I know, I’m the one with the trophy.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
The opposit of Chocolate ~
She sat at the edge of the river, watching it glisten and bubble in the moonlight.
Her tears held her together as she traced shadows in the dark.
She hadn’t meant for it to happen.
Best friends!
He’d been there for her through her first heartbreak, held her hand through football tryouts and drama auditions, stayed with her over the phone every night when she realized she was scared of the dark, convinced her that the words ‘slut’ and ‘normal’ were relative, helped her write the Toast when her father remarried, held her when she cried over shattered dreams…
And slowly and steadily she fell for him. Him, the class president, the football captain, the young prince.
And now,
“I’m in love with you”, his voice was hoarse.
They were sitting on her roof, their favorite place.
His tall broad shouldered easy frame was pacing around, his jet black hair flopped carelessly into green eyes, he was the boy the girls swooned over, she was the girl they hated.
She sat there, she, with her long purple hair, eyebrow piercing, fishnet stockings and leather jacket.
She, with the tears in her dark eyes and the black nails she’d chewed down to nothing.
She, who couldn’t do this.
Not to him.
Not to the boy she was ‘in love’ with.
She couldn’t bear to lose him.
She knew how it worked, this beautiful meaningless circle of deception.
And she refused to prolong it.
“I’m sorry”, she said listlessly. “I don’t think of you in that way, you’re my best friend, I can’t…I’m sorry.”
She heard him breathe in sharply, she longed to kiss him, to let him know that her shroud of deceit was clawing him into a corner, not her.
But that meant she would have to reduce herself to being one of many. Part of the ‘List’ she’d once helped him draw. And they’d Laughed at the number of girls he’d kissed.
"And when did That happen, Dev?"
"I don't remember. Her hair smelt of rain though."
The voices in her head hurled abuse at each other as she stared numbly at peeling black nails.
She’d bitten off more than she could chew.
Again.
“I’m in love with you Naini”, he repeated hoarsely, grabbing the bull by the horns, reaching out for her.
She flinched.
She shouldn’t have worn red today.
He carelessly pulled his hand back and ran it through spiky black hair. His smoky green eyes looked troubled as he stared intently at her lowered lashes.
“Naina”, he whispered, “Look at me.”
She shook her head.
“You do…care, don’t you?” he asked, his breathing jagged.
She almost laughed through the sobs simmering in her.
Care?
She cared.
She cared enough to know that his friendship mattered more than the taste of his lips.
She cared enough to know she’d rather be the one he leaned on than the one who lost her balance.
She cared enough to know that he didn’t deserve her temper and her tears and the way she pulled everything out from under their feet when they least expected it.
She cared enough to know that there had been many before her and there were many to come and she recoiled from being one of ‘them’.
She cared enough to know that her best friend had been ‘in love’ with him and still was.
She cared enough to know that sooner or later she would be forced to face heartbreak from the one person who mattered.
She cared enough not to shatter him herself.
She faced him.
He shone for her. He always had. And she had been blinded by his light.
“I’m sorry”, she said numbly.
The voices in her head screamed in chorus as she got up and walked away.
The wind murmured her name, calling her back.
But she didn’t sway.
She sauntered off into the shadows as he watched her fade.
I want you, but I chose darkness.
As the wind whispered it back to him,
The boy wept.
Her tears held her together as she traced shadows in the dark.
She hadn’t meant for it to happen.
Best friends!
He’d been there for her through her first heartbreak, held her hand through football tryouts and drama auditions, stayed with her over the phone every night when she realized she was scared of the dark, convinced her that the words ‘slut’ and ‘normal’ were relative, helped her write the Toast when her father remarried, held her when she cried over shattered dreams…
And slowly and steadily she fell for him. Him, the class president, the football captain, the young prince.
And now,
“I’m in love with you”, his voice was hoarse.
They were sitting on her roof, their favorite place.
His tall broad shouldered easy frame was pacing around, his jet black hair flopped carelessly into green eyes, he was the boy the girls swooned over, she was the girl they hated.
She sat there, she, with her long purple hair, eyebrow piercing, fishnet stockings and leather jacket.
She, with the tears in her dark eyes and the black nails she’d chewed down to nothing.
She, who couldn’t do this.
Not to him.
Not to the boy she was ‘in love’ with.
She couldn’t bear to lose him.
She knew how it worked, this beautiful meaningless circle of deception.
And she refused to prolong it.
“I’m sorry”, she said listlessly. “I don’t think of you in that way, you’re my best friend, I can’t…I’m sorry.”
She heard him breathe in sharply, she longed to kiss him, to let him know that her shroud of deceit was clawing him into a corner, not her.
But that meant she would have to reduce herself to being one of many. Part of the ‘List’ she’d once helped him draw. And they’d Laughed at the number of girls he’d kissed.
"And when did That happen, Dev?"
"I don't remember. Her hair smelt of rain though."
The voices in her head hurled abuse at each other as she stared numbly at peeling black nails.
She’d bitten off more than she could chew.
Again.
“I’m in love with you Naini”, he repeated hoarsely, grabbing the bull by the horns, reaching out for her.
She flinched.
She shouldn’t have worn red today.
He carelessly pulled his hand back and ran it through spiky black hair. His smoky green eyes looked troubled as he stared intently at her lowered lashes.
“Naina”, he whispered, “Look at me.”
She shook her head.
“You do…care, don’t you?” he asked, his breathing jagged.
She almost laughed through the sobs simmering in her.
Care?
She cared.
She cared enough to know that his friendship mattered more than the taste of his lips.
She cared enough to know she’d rather be the one he leaned on than the one who lost her balance.
She cared enough to know that he didn’t deserve her temper and her tears and the way she pulled everything out from under their feet when they least expected it.
She cared enough to know that there had been many before her and there were many to come and she recoiled from being one of ‘them’.
She cared enough to know that her best friend had been ‘in love’ with him and still was.
She cared enough to know that sooner or later she would be forced to face heartbreak from the one person who mattered.
She cared enough not to shatter him herself.
She faced him.
He shone for her. He always had. And she had been blinded by his light.
“I’m sorry”, she said numbly.
The voices in her head screamed in chorus as she got up and walked away.
The wind murmured her name, calling her back.
But she didn’t sway.
She sauntered off into the shadows as he watched her fade.
I want you, but I chose darkness.
As the wind whispered it back to him,
The boy wept.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
~
So I almost died today.
Lost one of my lives at any rate.
Everyone watching thought I was flying.
But me?
I was falling.
And if you tell me one more time what a fucking idiot I am for jumping off a fast, moving train I will show you my scars and you will feel guilty.
Though I know, in your weird way which is so close to human but not quite, you’re telling me that you love me and that you’re happy I’m safe and alive.
And when I laugh at your awkwardness and your inability to express it, you will raise your eyebrows, thrash those parts of me that aren’t bruised and bleeding already and you will hug me
And I won’t know whether those are tears or a sheen of sweat cause you won’t let me see.
Me?
I’m crying.
Lost one of my lives at any rate.
Everyone watching thought I was flying.
But me?
I was falling.
And if you tell me one more time what a fucking idiot I am for jumping off a fast, moving train I will show you my scars and you will feel guilty.
Though I know, in your weird way which is so close to human but not quite, you’re telling me that you love me and that you’re happy I’m safe and alive.
And when I laugh at your awkwardness and your inability to express it, you will raise your eyebrows, thrash those parts of me that aren’t bruised and bleeding already and you will hug me
And I won’t know whether those are tears or a sheen of sweat cause you won’t let me see.
Me?
I’m crying.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
No Air
Slow down, you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?
..................
“This can’t be it”, she muttered to herself, staring at the stiff unyielding paper she was twisting nervously in her hands.
“Anaka, stop it! Are you mad?” her mother reprimanded fiercely, snatching it out of reach, holding it up against the light to check for damages.
Anaka glanced absent mindedly at the sheet that inexplicably determined her future.
89.84% it said in stark embossed black and white.
She’d missed a 90% by one mark.
She could already imagine her parents letting the lie spill off their tongue as they proudly declared to anyone of consequence that their daughter had got a 90%.
Sounded so much better, they told her later, than a drab 89. whatever. She wondered if they’d stick to their word of a puppy present if she got a 90. She doubted it. It’s ironic how effortlessly we fail those we are entrusted to.
She could already envision her future stretching blindly in front of her.
Xaviers maybe, Law School after that, years of internships, a steady income, marriage, a house, a car, 2 kids, a pension, family holidays..round and round and round.
And the circle of life was supposed to reek of stability.
Hah!
She felt sick.
This isn't what she wanted.
She wanted to backpack through Europe
Learn the language of the stars
Dance in the moonlight
Date every sun sign
Work on a safari in Africa.
Perform a miracle.
Cry.
Learn the drums
Write a novel
Work for the police force
Discover a planet
Find God
..................
How do you explain freedom to someone who doesn’t know he has been caged?
Nymph says:
-Tell me something
H@De$--She'll make you live a crazy life but she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain says:
-?
Nymph says:
-Is this all there is?
H@De$--She'll make you live a crazy life but she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain says:
-For now..
Nymph says:
-What happened to watching the sunset and Paris in the springtime and snow in the Himalayas and Chinese men with yum food and that pink bubblegum that never loses its flavour?
H@De$--She'll make you live a crazy life but she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain says:
-Happens to the lucky ones
H@De$--She'll make you live a crazy life but she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain says:
-We're stuck with having to grow up first
You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
I want out.
I want the key to my cage.
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?
..................
“This can’t be it”, she muttered to herself, staring at the stiff unyielding paper she was twisting nervously in her hands.
“Anaka, stop it! Are you mad?” her mother reprimanded fiercely, snatching it out of reach, holding it up against the light to check for damages.
Anaka glanced absent mindedly at the sheet that inexplicably determined her future.
89.84% it said in stark embossed black and white.
She’d missed a 90% by one mark.
She could already imagine her parents letting the lie spill off their tongue as they proudly declared to anyone of consequence that their daughter had got a 90%.
Sounded so much better, they told her later, than a drab 89. whatever. She wondered if they’d stick to their word of a puppy present if she got a 90. She doubted it. It’s ironic how effortlessly we fail those we are entrusted to.
She could already envision her future stretching blindly in front of her.
Xaviers maybe, Law School after that, years of internships, a steady income, marriage, a house, a car, 2 kids, a pension, family holidays..round and round and round.
And the circle of life was supposed to reek of stability.
Hah!
She felt sick.
This isn't what she wanted.
She wanted to backpack through Europe
Learn the language of the stars
Dance in the moonlight
Date every sun sign
Work on a safari in Africa.
Perform a miracle.
Cry.
Learn the drums
Write a novel
Work for the police force
Discover a planet
Find God
..................
How do you explain freedom to someone who doesn’t know he has been caged?
Nymph says:
-Tell me something
H@De$--She'll make you live a crazy life but she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain says:
-?
Nymph says:
-Is this all there is?
H@De$--She'll make you live a crazy life but she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain says:
-For now..
Nymph says:
-What happened to watching the sunset and Paris in the springtime and snow in the Himalayas and Chinese men with yum food and that pink bubblegum that never loses its flavour?
H@De$--She'll make you live a crazy life but she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain says:
-Happens to the lucky ones
H@De$--She'll make you live a crazy life but she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain says:
-We're stuck with having to grow up first
You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
I want out.
I want the key to my cage.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Loop
“I hate you”, she screamed, smashed records encircling her feet like bejeweled beetles.
Her mother watched her, light brown eyes flashing into light brown eyes, hatred echoing love.
Her mirrored skirt caught the light as she stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
Her mother heard the door bang, felt the windows tremble and watched her daughter depart with hatred in her eyes.
She sat down on the wooden table, put her head in her hands, and wept.
If only…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I hate you”, she screamed, CD’s flung into the pretty disarray of clothes and make up and jewelry.
Her mother watched her, light brown eyes flashing into light brown eyes, hatred echoing love.
Her computer blinked. Her ripped jeans deflected light as she stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
Her mother heard the door bang, felt the windows tremble and watched her daughter depart with hatred in her eyes.
She sat down on the glass table, put her head in her hands, and wept.
If only…
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
It's a curse.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Muse
“Is this fat?” she questioned anxiously, pinching at her beautiful, smooth abdomen.
"No you retard, It's called 'skin'".
Welcome to my life.
"No you retard, It's called 'skin'".
Welcome to my life.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
That time of the night
It's 3:45.
In the morning.
And I can't help but feel dead.
Heavy.
Listless.
Useless.
Living dead.
And the only things that light up the dark are my eyes and my purple nailpolish that glistens like dancing blood on the keyboard.
I'm scared of the dark.
Not much of a confession, but one that makes me vulnerable to you.
Lock me up in a shadowy room and I will confess to you the whereabouts of the secret weapon, take my clothes off, beg for mercy, stand on my head, salsa, anything--everything.
My imagination would kill me, megalomania-ing everything from the uneven rasp of my own breathing to the sininster silence.
Think for yourself, they tell you-
It's a curse.
It's quiet tonight.
There's a certain stillness which Bombay,' The City that Never Sleeps' boasts of being deficient in.
Funny.
Eerie.
I don't like it.
It's also that time of the night when you feel alone.
When you need someone to call just to check if you're alive,
Just to make sure you haven't cried yourself to sleep.
My phone screen doesn't talk back.
It hates me.
Blank.
For a middle child with Doctor parents and siblings who compete over who is diagnosed with more psychological disorders, I can safely admit to verging on insanity.
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
I Hate :-
-Awkward silences
-Girls with a size zero frame and big empty heads
-Kissing back
-Math
-Too much sun
-All those gay Hindi serials that start with 'K'
-Being vulnerable
-Guilt
-Waiting
-Needing someone
-Conformists
-Promises
-Crying
-Red hair that fades
-People who pretend to be 'holier-than-thou' and then slyly stab you in the back
-Boys
-Girls who Need boys
-Star Wars
-Cowboy movies
-Loneliness
-Saying bye
-Falling
-Pain
-Feeling
-Not feeling
-People who think they can tell me what to do
-People who don't know what they want to do
-Pompous asses
-Cockroaches
-Insecurity
-Losing control
-Smiling till your face hurts
-War
-Raised voices
-Anything frilly or floral
-Death
It's ironic how the things we hate are those that remind us of ourself.
And that, my friends, is closure ~~
That's all folks.
Dawn.
Anewdaybegins,abrightertomorrow
A circle of Lies.
*Rolls eyes heavenwards awaiting the parting of skies, the Hand of God and Divine Intervention*
Nothing.
*sighs*
You disappoint me.
In the morning.
And I can't help but feel dead.
Heavy.
Listless.
Useless.
Living dead.
And the only things that light up the dark are my eyes and my purple nailpolish that glistens like dancing blood on the keyboard.
I'm scared of the dark.
Not much of a confession, but one that makes me vulnerable to you.
Lock me up in a shadowy room and I will confess to you the whereabouts of the secret weapon, take my clothes off, beg for mercy, stand on my head, salsa, anything--everything.
My imagination would kill me, megalomania-ing everything from the uneven rasp of my own breathing to the sininster silence.
Think for yourself, they tell you-
It's a curse.
It's quiet tonight.
There's a certain stillness which Bombay,' The City that Never Sleeps' boasts of being deficient in.
Funny.
Eerie.
I don't like it.
It's also that time of the night when you feel alone.
When you need someone to call just to check if you're alive,
Just to make sure you haven't cried yourself to sleep.
My phone screen doesn't talk back.
It hates me.
Blank.
For a middle child with Doctor parents and siblings who compete over who is diagnosed with more psychological disorders, I can safely admit to verging on insanity.
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
I Hate :-
-Awkward silences
-Girls with a size zero frame and big empty heads
-Kissing back
-Math
-Too much sun
-All those gay Hindi serials that start with 'K'
-Being vulnerable
-Guilt
-Waiting
-Needing someone
-Conformists
-Promises
-Crying
-Red hair that fades
-People who pretend to be 'holier-than-thou' and then slyly stab you in the back
-Boys
-Girls who Need boys
-Star Wars
-Cowboy movies
-Loneliness
-Saying bye
-Falling
-Pain
-Feeling
-Not feeling
-People who think they can tell me what to do
-People who don't know what they want to do
-Pompous asses
-Cockroaches
-Insecurity
-Losing control
-Smiling till your face hurts
-War
-Raised voices
-Anything frilly or floral
-Death
It's ironic how the things we hate are those that remind us of ourself.
And that, my friends, is closure ~~
That's all folks.
Dawn.
Anewdaybegins,abrightertomorrow
A circle of Lies.
*Rolls eyes heavenwards awaiting the parting of skies, the Hand of God and Divine Intervention*
Nothing.
*sighs*
You disappoint me.
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