“Give it back,” I snarl, hands on my hips.
“Give what back?” you smile angelically.
“The Remote, MY goddamn Remote!” I curse, forgetting that you only hear what you want to hear.
Like me.
“Why?” you say, after a bit, staring at me like you know that underneath it all, I’m empty, the same as everyone else.
Your question dumbfounds me.
“Because..” I stammer, “Because I’m sick of you controlling my life, I’m fed up with you possessing the power to ‘pause’ me then ‘play’ me, pause play pause play pauseplay…”
“Fun!” you declare brightly.
“For you,” I emphasize slowly, “Not me. I’ll get spoilt, you know, or worse, stuck!”
You gasp dramatically.
I sigh.
“What would you do with it anyway?” you murmur as you caress it, pressing random buttons, knowing what it does to me, caressing it’s worn shiny surface with your fingertips.
They wouldn’t be able to tell our fingerprints apart.
Even today.
Technology doesn’t stand a chance.
“Would you rewind?” you question, interested.
“No.” I say slowly. So I’ve made mistakes, who hasn’t? Maybe I’d try and save certain lives if I could, but there are some things you can’t control. You don’t. Even your Remote lives by rules. I’m no saint, I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to correct mistakes, I’m saying I wouldn’t know how.
Might as well leave that mess for the Gods to clear up.
“Would you fast forward then?” you ask, playing catch with it.
You’re looking at me with a ‘jump puppy, jump’ expression.
“No.” I mutter defiantly.
The future’s not ours to see,
Que sera sera
What will be will be.
Or maybe I’m just scared, scared of what I might or might not find.
Or who.
“So basically, you want your subtitles back?” you say, smirking. smirksmirksmirk
“I’d like that.”
So let Them read between the lines. I’m done trying to understand this illusion of a world. This great big farce. They’ll be able to tell what I’m thinking, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, what i want, who i want..no more facades.
..ughh.. the very thought depresses me.
All that false sympathy.
And they’ll be able to tell what I think of them. What I really think.
Hmm..doesn’t sound so good after all.
“Or maybe not,” I mumble, eyes downcast.
“It’s amazing what smiles and war paint can do these days,” you grin.
“Make up,” I correct you, fed up now.
“So it's the pause-play that’s got you hassled haan?”
My Remote’s your plane now. You’re making those annoying ‘vroom vroom’ noises.
“Yes,” I say decidedly. “I dread Pause. I hate living in limbo. It’s a bit like floating. This staggering numbness overtakes you and you don’t feel. You go through the motions like a puppet on a string. You laugh when you’re supposed to, you cry when they do and when they clap their hands and say ‘entertain us’, you comply”
“Don’t you ‘pause’?” you glimmer naughtily.
You know all the answers. You’ve got the Remote perched between your toes now as you swing your legs languidly around.
“You didn’t expect me to Die, did you? For your information, that happens when you go all Stop on me. When you pause me I become listless, emotionless, like an actress in a play where I’ve lost my script. Come to think of it, Play isn’t that much help either. Who do you want me to ‘Play’ anyway? Yeah yeah ‘Be Yourself’…” I sneer predicting your response.
You pretend to look hurt.
Like I’ve grabbed your favourite candy from right under your nose.
Now you’ve whipped out the Remote with a glamorous air and started gesticulating wildly into space like you’ve crossed superstardom and entered Goddessdom.
Ah well.
I’m resigned to my fate now, Your fate, in actual fact.
So I’m determined to bare my soul.
Or whatever’s left of it.
“Look, I’m sick of Play-ing people I’m not. The goth, the blonde, the loudmouth, the bitch, the warrior princess, the slut.. It’s a cruel world. If you don’t seal in the label they created for you, you can kiss your happily ever after goodbye”
You prance around me noisily holding the Remote in your hand like a microphone.
“And the Oscar goes to…”
“If you don’t mind,”I whisper softly, “I’d rather just Live.”
You stop.
“I’ll think about it,” you say.
And for once, I believe you.
I have no choice.
I lost it when i chose you,
Me.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Ayo
“It’s Easter Sunday today”, my mother says with hope in her eyes.
“Uhhuh” , we reply our eyes on the tv, the computer, a phone.
“I’d love it if the family walked into church together, all five of us, and sat together and prayed together.”
She’s watching us with such anticipation,
We groan.
Disappointment has always been our strong point.
“Do it for me”, she whispers softly.
That always gets us.
Usually her voice is filled with cynicism and exhaustion and “yes, what is it that you want this time? Permission, money, your very own island?”
Now, she’s doing the asking.
And as always, we lure her with false promises, lure her away so we can get back to the tv, the computer, a phone.
Tired of using technology
As if.
“Uhhuh” , we reply our eyes on the tv, the computer, a phone.
“I’d love it if the family walked into church together, all five of us, and sat together and prayed together.”
She’s watching us with such anticipation,
We groan.
Disappointment has always been our strong point.
“Do it for me”, she whispers softly.
That always gets us.
Usually her voice is filled with cynicism and exhaustion and “yes, what is it that you want this time? Permission, money, your very own island?”
Now, she’s doing the asking.
And as always, we lure her with false promises, lure her away so we can get back to the tv, the computer, a phone.
Tired of using technology
As if.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Normal
You gaze at your reflection and you wonder who is more real
Is it normal to fear those we love,
Is it normal to associate passion with pain,
It is normal to not want to correct mistakes,
Is it normal to be sickened by human behavior,
Is it normal to kill yourself if you had only six months to live,
Is it normal to fear loneliness,
Is it normal to hate someone one minute and be willing to die for them in the next,
Is it normal..?
“Define normal”, you counter with suddenly
So I do.
“Conforming to everyone else’s standard classifies you as normal.
Normality and predictability are partners in crime.
When your every step reeks of convention and you fail to shock anyone out of their self induced stupor of contentment and oh-we-know-what-you’re-going-to-do-next, then you become ‘normal’.”
I can’t explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Not ‘normal’ now, is it?
But then again, it’s not ‘abnormal’ cause that would constitute making a concentrated effort towards movement of some kind, the accomplishment of an act initiated in the ‘land before time’.
I don’t see that happening in the near future.
I’d rather sit with my dreams carefully woven round my hands binding them together than have you stamp on them with your uncouth narrow minded malevolence.
You say I’m cynical.
You say I’m weird, I’m a freak.
I love those words.
They taste like bitter chocolate.
I’d rather be addictive rare rich chocolate that you have to aquire a taste for than the ol’ chew, suck an’ swallow.
‘Normal’..gahh!!..
Spare me.
Is it normal to fear those we love,
Is it normal to associate passion with pain,
It is normal to not want to correct mistakes,
Is it normal to be sickened by human behavior,
Is it normal to kill yourself if you had only six months to live,
Is it normal to fear loneliness,
Is it normal to hate someone one minute and be willing to die for them in the next,
Is it normal..?
“Define normal”, you counter with suddenly
So I do.
“Conforming to everyone else’s standard classifies you as normal.
Normality and predictability are partners in crime.
When your every step reeks of convention and you fail to shock anyone out of their self induced stupor of contentment and oh-we-know-what-you’re-going-to-do-next, then you become ‘normal’.”
I can’t explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Not ‘normal’ now, is it?
But then again, it’s not ‘abnormal’ cause that would constitute making a concentrated effort towards movement of some kind, the accomplishment of an act initiated in the ‘land before time’.
I don’t see that happening in the near future.
I’d rather sit with my dreams carefully woven round my hands binding them together than have you stamp on them with your uncouth narrow minded malevolence.
You say I’m cynical.
You say I’m weird, I’m a freak.
I love those words.
They taste like bitter chocolate.
I’d rather be addictive rare rich chocolate that you have to aquire a taste for than the ol’ chew, suck an’ swallow.
‘Normal’..gahh!!..
Spare me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Someday
“I really like you”, he springs on me suddenly.
“I really like you too”, I laugh nervously. But not in that way, I deliberate, as I flinch at the prospect.
“But not ‘in that way’”, he echoes, reading me like he’s done ever since we met.
I cringe.
“Maybe someday…”, he starts..
I want him to stop.
“Let’s go catch some ice tea kid, lemon, your favourite. My treat.”
He leads.
I follow.
As always.
And as always, I feel nothing. Only safe.
And somehow, that’s just not enough.
“I really like you too”, I laugh nervously. But not in that way, I deliberate, as I flinch at the prospect.
“But not ‘in that way’”, he echoes, reading me like he’s done ever since we met.
I cringe.
“Maybe someday…”, he starts..
I want him to stop.
“Let’s go catch some ice tea kid, lemon, your favourite. My treat.”
He leads.
I follow.
As always.
And as always, I feel nothing. Only safe.
And somehow, that’s just not enough.
Monday, March 10, 2008
...
Would you rather leave someone with blood on their lips and your voice in their head or would you rather have them smile kindly down on you as your heart shatters into a million pieces and you smile back and say you ‘understand’?
I’d kill for revenge.
Makes an impact.
Engraves a scar.
Something to ‘remember me by’.
My surrender,
Your sacrifice.
I’d kill for revenge.
Makes an impact.
Engraves a scar.
Something to ‘remember me by’.
My surrender,
Your sacrifice.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
What I’ve learnt so far….
"This time last year we were.."
"Ohh man don't start..."
"Haha might as well fast forward to 'this time next year'"
"Same ol' same ol'"
"Have we changed?"
"Dude, college, it's supposed to be the 'sea of liiifeee'" *said in a singsong manner*
"..uhhuh fish in the sea n all that jazz?"
"Nono umm life lessons..'experience'" =D
"Have you learnt anything worthwhile?"
"..eeyeaaa...."
1.When boys wear boxers, they wear ONLY boxers.
2.When you move on, you inexplicably leave behind a piece of yourself.
3.It’s okay to cry like your heart is breaking sometimes, ‘cause sometimes, you believe that it is.
4.Your true friends are the ones who will shoot you with harsh home truths no matter how vulnerable you are at the moment, making you stronger.
5.Reality sucks, but you have to face it sooner or later.
6.Be careful what you wish for, you might just make it come true.
7.Kissing someone and letting yourself be kissed, is not the same thing.
8.You never follow up on an apology with a ‘but’….
9.Red hair fades to blonde.
10.You tend to hate those who remind you of yourself.
11.Sometimes, love and hate are so finely intertwined that you don’t know which is which…
12.You can love many people in many different ways.
13.Being ‘in love’ with someone, is not something you wanna mess with at 16!..
14.College trumps school. ‘nuff said.
15.The only thing permanent, is change.
16.Jam and rice don’t go together.
17.Hacking your own hair off may actually turn out to tilt in your favor.
18.First impressions last.
19.Popularity is only possible when there’s a ‘them’, that’s how you get the ‘us’. Sad. I know.
20.The higher you build your walls, the harder it is to escape your castle in the air.
21.When someone tells you that they love you, don’t question it.
22.If you pretend long enough, you believe that it’s true.
23.Black and pink Don’t Match.
24.The older you get, the more masks you collect.
25."Not feeling" doesn't really get you anywhere.
26.Losing a figment of your imagination hurts more than anyone will ever know.
27.There are different types of hugs.
28.Everybody has scars. Some parade them, others protect them.
29.If you are a class of 110 with 10 boys, the 10 boys tend to sit together and continue to deny their homosexual inclinations.
30.Sometimes to win, you need to lose.
31.Making out in the priest quarters is not a good idea.
32.The priest lied about "not complaining to your mom".
33.Teachers have a certain point of view and expect you to see it regardless of the fact that they then want you to 'think for yourself'.
34."Sorry" is not a bandaid, just a word.
35.If you don't believe in Happy Endings, you have nothing left to live for.
36.Cheating may not seem like cheating when you're doing it. When you have to face the consequences, it hits you. Hard.
37.When you break up with someone, and there was nothing there to break, you end up breaking youself.
38.Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
39.Piercings hurt. If anyone ever told you otherwise, they lied.
40.Calling someone ugly doesn't make you any prettier, calling someone dumb doesn't make you any smarter and bitching about someone doesn't exempt you from the line of fire.
41.Silence DOES speak louder than words. Silence hurts too.
42.At the age we're at, it's all about lust. You can fool yourself thinking you're 'in love' but at the end of the day it's plain pure lust. I call it LOVELUST.
43.It is impossible for us to follow our animal instinct as we have been "gifted", "cursed" with a conscience.
44.Tattoos are permanent. They grow with you physically but not mentally.
45.The Mirror is Magical. It shows you only what you want to see.
46.When you share your secrets, dreams, desires, fears with someone, you're granting that person the power to hurt you.
47.Black nailpolish hides dirt.
48.When you get too attached to something, it gets taken away from you...
49.If you twitch while your eyebrows are being done, THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
50.Crying earns you pity. Not Love, Pity.
51.Boys are smarter than they make out to be.
52.Falling in love is like jumping off a cliff- either you fall, or you fly.
53.Sex doesn't complete a relationship. It complements it.
54.The day you get glasses, a bad haircut and are looking your worst, you will meet The Boy Of Your Dreams.
55.Hugs heal.
56.Revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
57.Guys look hotter in shirts.
58.The person who arouses your mind doesn't arouse your body and the person who arouses your body doesn't arouse your mind. I know I know, one of lifes greatest ironies.
59.I don't wear lenses, i know that for a fact. It is something you must learn too.
60.When you look at yourself in the mirror, sometimes your fall in love with your reflection, other times you want to shatter it so you don't have to see yourself anymore.
61.What was meant to be will always find its way.
62.Your best friend is the one person who knows you better than you know yourself.
63.The Girls Loo is where all the action takes place. No, you perv, I meant all the bitching and the judging and the "Omg!..i love your skirt", turn away, "What a bitch!".
64.Scars keep you real.
65.When you make perfection your aim, people become your imperfection.
66.Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness, it proves that you're human.
67.Never fight for something you don't want.
68.Running away doesn't solve any problems. It only creates more.
69.When someone pushes you forward, don’t push them back.
70.You don't have the right to judge someone you don't even know.
This will never end as learning has endless possibilities. I will continue to add to this post whenever it demands to be put down.
"Ohh man don't start..."
"Haha might as well fast forward to 'this time next year'"
"Same ol' same ol'"
"Have we changed?"
"Dude, college, it's supposed to be the 'sea of liiifeee'" *said in a singsong manner*
"..uhhuh fish in the sea n all that jazz?"
"Nono umm life lessons..'experience'" =D
"Have you learnt anything worthwhile?"
"..eeyeaaa...."
1.When boys wear boxers, they wear ONLY boxers.
2.When you move on, you inexplicably leave behind a piece of yourself.
3.It’s okay to cry like your heart is breaking sometimes, ‘cause sometimes, you believe that it is.
4.Your true friends are the ones who will shoot you with harsh home truths no matter how vulnerable you are at the moment, making you stronger.
5.Reality sucks, but you have to face it sooner or later.
6.Be careful what you wish for, you might just make it come true.
7.Kissing someone and letting yourself be kissed, is not the same thing.
8.You never follow up on an apology with a ‘but’….
9.Red hair fades to blonde.
10.You tend to hate those who remind you of yourself.
11.Sometimes, love and hate are so finely intertwined that you don’t know which is which…
12.You can love many people in many different ways.
13.Being ‘in love’ with someone, is not something you wanna mess with at 16!..
14.College trumps school. ‘nuff said.
15.The only thing permanent, is change.
16.Jam and rice don’t go together.
17.Hacking your own hair off may actually turn out to tilt in your favor.
18.First impressions last.
19.Popularity is only possible when there’s a ‘them’, that’s how you get the ‘us’. Sad. I know.
20.The higher you build your walls, the harder it is to escape your castle in the air.
21.When someone tells you that they love you, don’t question it.
22.If you pretend long enough, you believe that it’s true.
23.Black and pink Don’t Match.
24.The older you get, the more masks you collect.
25."Not feeling" doesn't really get you anywhere.
26.Losing a figment of your imagination hurts more than anyone will ever know.
27.There are different types of hugs.
28.Everybody has scars. Some parade them, others protect them.
29.If you are a class of 110 with 10 boys, the 10 boys tend to sit together and continue to deny their homosexual inclinations.
30.Sometimes to win, you need to lose.
31.Making out in the priest quarters is not a good idea.
32.The priest lied about "not complaining to your mom".
33.Teachers have a certain point of view and expect you to see it regardless of the fact that they then want you to 'think for yourself'.
34."Sorry" is not a bandaid, just a word.
35.If you don't believe in Happy Endings, you have nothing left to live for.
36.Cheating may not seem like cheating when you're doing it. When you have to face the consequences, it hits you. Hard.
37.When you break up with someone, and there was nothing there to break, you end up breaking youself.
38.Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
39.Piercings hurt. If anyone ever told you otherwise, they lied.
40.Calling someone ugly doesn't make you any prettier, calling someone dumb doesn't make you any smarter and bitching about someone doesn't exempt you from the line of fire.
41.Silence DOES speak louder than words. Silence hurts too.
42.At the age we're at, it's all about lust. You can fool yourself thinking you're 'in love' but at the end of the day it's plain pure lust. I call it LOVELUST.
43.It is impossible for us to follow our animal instinct as we have been "gifted", "cursed" with a conscience.
44.Tattoos are permanent. They grow with you physically but not mentally.
45.The Mirror is Magical. It shows you only what you want to see.
46.When you share your secrets, dreams, desires, fears with someone, you're granting that person the power to hurt you.
47.Black nailpolish hides dirt.
48.When you get too attached to something, it gets taken away from you...
49.If you twitch while your eyebrows are being done, THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
50.Crying earns you pity. Not Love, Pity.
51.Boys are smarter than they make out to be.
52.Falling in love is like jumping off a cliff- either you fall, or you fly.
53.Sex doesn't complete a relationship. It complements it.
54.The day you get glasses, a bad haircut and are looking your worst, you will meet The Boy Of Your Dreams.
55.Hugs heal.
56.Revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
57.Guys look hotter in shirts.
58.The person who arouses your mind doesn't arouse your body and the person who arouses your body doesn't arouse your mind. I know I know, one of lifes greatest ironies.
59.I don't wear lenses, i know that for a fact. It is something you must learn too.
60.When you look at yourself in the mirror, sometimes your fall in love with your reflection, other times you want to shatter it so you don't have to see yourself anymore.
61.What was meant to be will always find its way.
62.Your best friend is the one person who knows you better than you know yourself.
63.The Girls Loo is where all the action takes place. No, you perv, I meant all the bitching and the judging and the "Omg!..i love your skirt", turn away, "What a bitch!".
64.Scars keep you real.
65.When you make perfection your aim, people become your imperfection.
66.Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness, it proves that you're human.
67.Never fight for something you don't want.
68.Running away doesn't solve any problems. It only creates more.
69.When someone pushes you forward, don’t push them back.
70.You don't have the right to judge someone you don't even know.
This will never end as learning has endless possibilities. I will continue to add to this post whenever it demands to be put down.
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