Fight This

“More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself” – Chuck Palanuick

She won’t stop. Cant.
The Words keep coming -fast, loud, like a madness unraveling.
They bind her voice and snake through her fingers which follow, in a sightless game of Simon Says.
And as she spits her guts out, They inch backwards, stealing the light, a testament to her terror.

How do you restrain something you have never been able to capture?
How do you straitjacket yourself when you can’t be contained?
How do you stop someone They started,
even if that someone is You?

So she turns to them and whips up their voices into her mouth till They speak of silence and she speaks of them,
like them.
They smile, satisfied, and stalk away, their prey now playing predator.
Game over.

Her face fell

Today in the lift, as gravity grabbed at my body, I felt this insane urge to put my fingers through the lift bars, just to see , you know? You know how you’re standing on the edge of a terrace or a boat or the world and the desire to jump racks your nerves forcing you to take one tiny step closer?

Would you fly, or would you fall?

But always, I imagine the aftermath, blood staining the walls and broken legs, broken hands, a broken heart. It’s not a prediction, merely me making a mockery of my mind. The temptation to give it all up never comes close to the fact that I’m still standing on the edge with nothing to give up. I’m not talking about suicide, not even close. I’ve just always wanted to know, what happens next?

Is it ever worth it?

Or maybe I could just..run. On air. Like those cartoon characters who run off a cliff and run and run because they don’t know that they’ve run off a cliff. But then they look Down and Down eats them up. I’d never look Down. No more straightening and painting and building a brighter future cause I'd be a star. Hell yeah! A fucking star who wouldn't need to splash on glitter!

Dazzle up there on my own with a million stars who shine with more sparkle than I do.

I could never do it.

My shoes are so wrong.