Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tick box

There has to be a reason. I can't feel. This doesn't happen because of some morbid, dramatic twist of fate. So, I'm going use logic and dead common sense and blood to give you reasons. Because that is how the world works. Action-reaction.

1. When someone you're supposed to love threathens to commit suicide you don't say "Do it! I dare you!"
2. I don't care. I only care about the people I'm not supposed to and that too for entirely selfish reasons.
3. My nose is growing.
4. No one does anything with any sort of genuine concern anymore. I'm probably verging on insanity but it feels like everyone has some hidden motive.
5. I hate You. Do something, damn you!
6. Purple hair is turning out to be freakishly expensive.
7. It's all bottled up in there somewhere and I'm losing the courage to purge it out. Bulimics never lose the weight off their face.
8. I don't want to, thankyouverymuch.
9. Change, Hi! Breathe in this beautiful crazy pollution. Better? Bye. Die.
10. I don't like what I'm seeing. This world is killing itself slowly while I stand here and watch. I feel trapped and choked and I see no reason to smile.

I see no reason.
But always, always reason finds me and sinks its fangs into my neck till I am nothing but a ragdoll, a puppet, just one more string to pull, one more button to stitch into place.

And then we'll all be ragdolls, puppets, slaves to our own illusion, weak and human.

Don't you think feeling only makes me more raggable?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Breathing

Inhale
Why? WHY? God! Just LEAVE. Run. I don't fucking want you in my head. Get out.
I don't care. No, seriously. You don't matter and you're taking up my goddamn board headspace I need it for formulae and big words and economic jargon NOT YOU! This isn't fair its not fucking fair I can't keep doing this to myself I'm just sick and tired of your face but today I was running across the road and I saw someone who looked like you from the back and fuckyou I stopped in the middle of the godforsaken road in the middle of the busiest goddamn road in the whole of Bombay and only because I thought I saw you and my heart skipped a beat even though i've told it over and over again that it doesn't fucking matter and I dont care I DON'T but still it just goes and skips a beat a fucking heartbeat I skipped a fucking heartbeat for you and that wasn't even you what am I supposed to do I don't know I just don't know I'm just going to get out and run NOW yes now and just fucking not not into you please God not into you or maybe I'll crash and you'll stand and watch me pick up the pieces because that's what you've become but you know what I won't fucking pick up the pieces I will just move on because that's what you've done and if you ever read this it's not about you because fuck I really don't fucking care it's about what I don't want to become I can't even hurt you because I don't I don't hurt people because I have some biological defect where I don't have a fucking off switch and everyone I know does and they care and crash then they don't care anymore but I'm just here and I'm fucked I just have all these little buttons that say ON I WANT AN OFF ONE and I don't want you I was just I don't know suprised to see you in the middle of the road right there right where I live but it wasn't you and you don't believe me but I don't want you I want to be wanted and if you wanted me it would only make things easier but fuck you know everybody lies and I have to stop because this is just so fuck fuck fuck I need to get out and cross more roads and push you into traffic
Exhale