Patience

The only reason people hold on to memories so tight is because memories are the only thing that doesn't change when everything else does.

Now you know.

Leave.

The Pursuit Of Happyness

7:30 Alarm rings.

7:45 Alarm rings again. Girl groans. Girl retreats beneath blanket and pillow to the accompanimant of Girl's sister shrieking 'Turn that fucking thing off, you never wake up when it rings anyway'. Girl hits the snooze button.

8.00 Alarm rings. Girl contemplates throwing alarm out of window then realises that alarm=phone which is a neccessary daily equipment and has become like body part. Sister dismantles alarm. Sister vents by kicking Girl. Girl appears to be asleep.

8:30 Girl's mother kisses her goodbye leaving behind a list of instructions and a whiff of pefume. Said mother also draws back curtains almost blinding Girl. Girl resorts to sleeping on her stomach.

9:30 Girl is late.

9:45 Girl has managed to successfully sit upright in bed. Girl realises she needs attendance. Girl attempts superhuman jump off bed which results in banging shin against bed. Girl mutters 'fuck' under breath.

10:05 Girl manages to shower, brush teeth etc. but is unable to find appropriate (i.e. ironed, decent, sensible) collegewear which leads to a pile of unironed colourful inappropriate clothes on bed. Housekeeper yells at said Girl to put all clothes back 'netly'. Girls nods vehemently and continues search.

10:13 Girl manages to locate yesterdays jeans under chair. Girl pulls a tee shirt off the clothesline, realises tee shirt is still damp and resorts to wearing a long sleeved tee inside said damp tee shirt.

10:25 Girl has been forced to eat breakfast under the instructions of the neo fascist dictators a.k.a parents. Girl pours milk into brothers empty glass even though he has left for school.

10:30 Girl leaves house.

10:31 Girl realises it is pouring.

10:33 Girl rushes back up but is unable to locate windsheater which she realises she 'misplaced' at Malhar last year. Girl finds pink umbrella. Girl takes pink umbrella. Girl leaves to the accopmaniment of the housekeeper screaming out her name with added Assamese curses.

10:37 Girl gets onto bus. Girl spends entire 10 minutes of bus journey trying to put her kajal on 'neatly'. Gives up. Decides to tell those who ask (i.e everybody) that she has successfully achieved the smoky eye look.

10:40 Girl is unable to find her lip balm. Decides to kill sister. Messages said sister who replies saying she is in class and Girl had left lip balm on the table so she 'took it'. Girl mutters choice expletives under breath receiving strange looks from accompanying passengers.

10:45 Girl enters class after fighting with watchman at gate over loss of ID card. Girl promises watchman she will have it ready tomorrow. Girl is 15 minutes late for class. Girl exchanges excuses with the professor that include the words dog, train, aliens, rain, heels, sighting God etc. Teacher remains unimpressed and disbelieving.

10:48 Teacher appears to be fed up with students. administration, pay packet and the environment in general. She stops pretending to listen and instructs girl to sit on front bench. Girl complies.

11:20 Girl is too busy talking and misses attendance.

11:20-4:30 Day is spent putting up an appearance of 'I am listening' peppered with frequent nods of 'yes, I understand what you're saying and I genuinely care' in order to get attendence and to reach some sort of agreement with Them on her potential so she isn't forced to listen to 'please stay back after class' lectures which include the words 'calibre' and 'waste'.

Day is also interspersed with gossipping and soothing raw woulds. Also, snapping and then feeling guilty and then feeling angry for feeling guilty. There is a frequent change of masks throughout the day. The 'neutral' expression is used regularly which can be translated into 'I don't give a damn but I 'love' you, you're my soul sister etc. and hence I must listen to your woes and dissect with you every word the boy you claim to be 'in love' with ever said to you even though right now he's probably off doing God knows what with God knows whom'.

Day also involves bursts of laughter and times when Girl is happy to feel alive and loved.

1:00-1:50 Break. Girl is forced to face excessive calorie consumption and those she wishes were wiped off by a plague of locusts and/or a sea of pirhana. Girl continues to smile. Girl bonds with girlfriends, runs around like complete idiot, stands on tables, dances in the rain and in short uses up more than her fair share of embarressment quota.

3:00-5:00 Girl goes for football practise in the rain. Girl has not yet bought studs and thus spends majority of her time falling---and enjoying herself. Coach gives said Girl the death stare. Girl is made to run 7 extra rounds. Girl pretends she is dying after 5 and Coach takes pity on her and sends her off to wash up though in actual probabilty is probably scared that she might collapse.

5:27 Girl reaches home dirty, wet, tired, hungry.

5:32 Girl eats lunch. Girl is still hungry. Girl 'requests' Housekeeper to make Maggie.

5:43 Girl eats Maggie all the while watching a movie.

6:17 Movie is good. Movie involves its fair share of violence, sex and cute guys. Girl eats more Maggie.

6:40 Girl realises it is 6:40.

6:47 Girl has somehow, unimaginably managed to locate math book, glasses and enough money for bus journey. Girl feels responsible then remembers that class started at 6:45.

6:48 Girl leaves house dirty, dry, tired and still in football jersey.

6:50 Girl runs across roads and footpaths with complete disregard for traffic or people. Girl reaches bus stop safe but gives the appearence of an asthamatic supergirl. Girl spends next five minutes cursing buses, India, BEST, bus drivers, the people staring at her and God (not neccessarily in that order).

6:57 Girl contemplates taking a cab but then realises she is, at the moment financially unprepared. Girl curses parents. Girl takes back curse on realising that in the past 2 days she'd eaten at Leopold's, Subway, Mac and watched a movie.

6:59 Bus comes. There is a rush for said bus as it is rush hour. Girl is almost crushed to death but fights back valiantly kicking and elbowing when required. Glasses stupidly clutched in fist (on account of Girl's reputation and self esteem) gets crushed in the process.

7:01 Girl spends bus journey singing to herself and deciding that time 'doesn't reaaally matter as it goes against her religious beliefs and creats boundaries'.

7:17 Girl runs like complete retard only to find that Math Tutor has locked the door from the inside. Girl curses Math Tutor. Girl knocks timidly, finds no response, grins to self and decides to leave.

7:23 Guilt seeps in. Girl waits outside door trying to send vibes of 'open the goddamn door!'. Girl has a beautifully constructed excuse about an important match and is happy to find that looking dirty has its advantages. Vibes remain uncaught. Girl stands on street outside class.

7:27 Girl feels like hooker wearing football jersey. Street is not a nice street.

7:31 Girl faces dilemma as to whether to catch a cab, bus, train or simply walk home. Girl curses all those who have bombed public transport and her financial situation. Girl mentally agrees that the above mentioned modes of transport appear to be unsafe. Girl also realises that she has missed 3 math tests and if she misses class Math Tutor will call up Girl's mother and Girl fervently agrees with 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'.

7:33 Girl sees a boy walking towards her from next batch. Girl fights urge to kiss said boy. Girl finds out that next batch has class at 8 and thanks God also apologising for previous behavior (which include saying 'screw you God, you just sit there and Laugh! Yeah, laugh')

7:49 Girl enjoys herself making fun of people and laughing with kids from next batch. Girl considers switching batches. Girl spots cute guy and says hi. Cute guy says hi back giving her a weird look. Girl realises she is covered in a mud splattered football jersey.

8:00-10:00 Girl undergoes child torture and child labour a.k.a Math which she is convinced is illegal and has tried to convice her parents so. Parents think otherwise. Girl spends entire class banging head against wall on account of missing Junkyard Groove at HRC and texting friends who appear to be having Sex and the City-esque drinks.

10:27 Girl reaches home. Girl goes for shower. Girl eats dinner.

11:10 Girl stares at pile of study books. Girl picks up novel that she has read 948362 times before.

11:19 Girls' parents call her to bond and tell them about her day. Girl groans. Parents hear girl groan. Said parents get hurt, offended etc. and walk off.

11:42 Girl spends time doing damage control and talking about random jazz that happened in college making everyone laugh. Girl exaggerates and tends to distort reality. Mildly, of course.

11:47 Girl goes online.

11:48 Girl is disgusted with herself and her dependence on people who don't really 'exist'.

11:49 In a fit of defiance, Girl goes offline.

11:53 Girl gives in to animal instinct and Appears offline.

12:11 Girl helps herself to more food.

12:20 Girl finishes book. Girl is fed up of life.

12:23 Study books appear to be rudely staring at said Girl. Girl switches off the lights and puts on a movie. Movie is crap.

12:39 Girl's sister will Not stop talking loudly on the phone even after repeated warnings.

12:40 Girl throws pillow on said sister.

12:46 Girl gets call from friend who appears to be in a 'crisis situation'. Crisis situation has something to do with what to give bf on 2 week anniversary. Conversation drifts. Conversation includes bitching about 'friends'..'but I still love her', dissecting people, interpretation of life, love, what the perfect skirt for a first date would be, Gossip Girl, psycho analysing everyone, laughing etc. Girl's sister throws back pillow and tells her to shut up.

3:38 Conversation dies as phone finally gets cut due to low battery.

3:45 Girl stares at ceiling.

4:03 Girl falls off to sleep.

All I asked for was The Simple Life.

It can't be that hard...

Can it?

Hash

I can't sleep.

The Voice in my Head tears me apart with all that I could have done,
All that I should have done,
All that I didn't.
All that I did.

Focus on something good, I tell myself, resolutely optimistic, willing it to shutup.
Something good?
I stare down at my purple nails, at a complete loss.
Fine then, create a situation of uhh relaxation and beautifulness, Okay?
Okay.

You're lying down on a hammock on some serene, pristine, gorgeous island that no one has discovered yet.
Tan?, the Voice in my Head questions anxiously
No, you've got sunscreen on, I reassure it hurriedly.
You're wearing that swimsuit that you've always wanted but you've never been allowed to buy.
Waxed your legs?, the Voice in my Head interrupts maliciously
Ohshutup. It's my island and my fantasy and I have the perfect body..and umm..other cool body attributes like no body hair.
SO anyway, you're surrounded by a bevy(?) of hot men who...
Men, the Voice in my Head snorts contemptously

I want to poke it's eye out.

I content myself with pranayam instead.
Block all negative thoughts. No desires. No oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-I-did-that. No...
Breathe in,
Breathe out.

Stop.

Ooooo it's raining.

Shit. I need to stop getting distracted so easily.
Oh look, a shiny object.
Facebookhasalottoanswerfor

I don't know what to do anymore.
Everyone's changing.
*snap*
I started it.
But then I stopped.

I haven't changed, have I?
Except for the dark circles ringing my eyes and increasing shrillness of the Voice in my Head.

But I can face paint.
Masks? I'm a pro.

Kill the Voice in my head?

Half dead, they called her, half dead.

Crooked Teeth

I know her.
I know that she has a tiny scar next to her navel where her appendix was taken out.
I know that she's allergic to peanuts.
I know that she loves dogs but only the kind that don't drool too much and don't get hair all over her black clothes.
I know that she's in love with the idea of love.
I know that she wears that silver chain around her ankle because it's Lucky.
I know that she started smoking up because like everyone she knew she wanted to die almost as much as she wanted to live.
I know that she slips on dreams.
I know that she hates it when people leave.
I know that everytime she gets off a train her heart skips a beat.
I know that the only icecream she eats is the double chocolate chip brownie fudge ice cream at Baskins.
I know that when she smiles, her face face lights up and a beautiful dimple at the corner of her lips begs for you to smile back and when she crys, the dimple looks like a scar.
I know that if she were an animal, she'd be a tiger.
I know that any sign of weakness disgusts her.
I know that she plays with fire and collects masks.
I know that insects that fly scare her to death, that she would rather slay dragons than face a flying cockroach.
I know that the only reason she slashes on so much mascara is because she hopes to hide behind it.
I know that she knows every single word to 'All I want is you'.
I know that she still wishes on rainbows.
I know that when she'd had chicken pox at 7, she'd had an imaginary friend called Zara.
I know that when she's nervous, she bites her lip.
I know that she cried while watching Titanic but she didn't want anyone to see her cry so she bit her tongue instead.
I know that the only reason she learnt how to play football in the beginning was to impress him, but now she loves it more than she loved him when he existed.
I know that her favourite book is 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
I know that she has a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back.
I know that she has a scar on her eyebrow which she got when she slipped in the bathroom when she was 5.
I know that every night, she fights with the shadows in her head, I know that she cries herself to sleep.
I know that she dyed her hair red so that it would shine and let her fade.
I know that she has a thing for vampires and drummers with long dark hair.
I know that she doesn't think she's beautiful.

I knew her.


I know him.
I know that his second toe is longer than his first.
I know that he at 8, he was convinced he was from Mars and spoke only in 'Martian' for a month.
I know that he modeled for a bit, but he hated it.
I know that he cut himself when he heard that his parents were going to get a divorce.
I know that he loves strawberries and cream and his favourite midnight snack is cold cereal.
I know that he wears a tee shirt and a shirt over that because he thinks he looks too thin without it.
I know that he says his ideal woman in Lara Croft from the xbox series because he can force her to do his will, and she never wears a bra.
I know that he'd rather rescue the spider than kill it.
I know that sometimes, the way he sees life scares him to death.
I know that he suffers from clausterphobia because when he was little he locked himself in a cupboard by mistake.
I know that he hates it when people eat from his plate.
I know that he's his own worst enemy.
I know that if he wrote a book he'd title it 'Confessions of an Escape Artist'.
I know that he had a pet cat called Darth Vader and after it died he swore he would never get another.
I know that if he were an animal, he'd be a wolf.
I know he had braces for 3 years and was mercilessly bullied about them.
I know that learnt how to wrestle cause he wanted to beat up his bullies. He did. He got suspended for a week. They never touched him after that.
I know thar he'd die without his guitar, his i-pod and the Voice in his head.
I know that his favourite Disney movie is the Lion King because 'he comes back'.
I know that the only toothpaste he uses is the red minty one.
I know that when he writes, he's bleeding himself out.
I know that the only thing he can 'cook' is Maggie.
I know that he smells of Mont Blanc and rain.
I know that he started smoking at 13.
I know that he only eats the blue M 'n' M's.
I know that he's ticklish.
I know that for him, the only thing permanent is change.
I know that he's scared of butterflies.
I know that whispers turn him on, that he hates secrets.
I know that everytime someone leaves he'd rather kill himself than show any emotion. It's happened too many times for him to care.

I knew him.


I know them.
I knew them.


They were.

Ooh la

Let’s just say you’re going out to meet someone, somewhere, anywhere and then, you see him/her/*insert appropriate pronoun here*,
But they don’t see you.

Appropriate protocol to attract their attention would be:

“Hey”,
Or something equally suitable.

Not,
“LOOK AT ME”

Ishouldn’tbeletoutduringtheday.

The Beautiful Letdown

I just realized why I’ve been so passive aggressive and insatiated and hormonal and a professional snapper lately,
I need to prove myself and I don’t know how.

I’m so filled with youthful fire and energy and unsaggy boobs and eyes which have the death stare down to an A+ and I’m wasting it being cooped up in this beautiful goth building with gargoyles for protection while I’m trapped in watching them out.

Inside out girl.

Which fucking retard chooses Arts with Math?!?

I mean Really.

*sighs*

I’m a self confessed math atheist.
No one seems to be taking religious views into account anymore.
Dammit.

Anyway, back to proving myself,
Aaaarghhh!!..why is it so hard for me to go with the flow? I know I will. I do.
So then why do I feel this constant need to pretend I’m different? (keyword: pretend)

Escapist?

Me?

Screw you.

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in
Fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here

We're still chasing our tails
In the rising sun
In our dark water planet still spinning
In a direction no one wins
No one's won.

See, I don't belong here

Or so I like to think.
Prove me right.

Please.

The Denial Twist

I know I’ve built you stronger and taller and more beautiful than you are but that’s the only way I’d take you.

The minute you begin to crumble under my cruel skillful fingers,
I will hate you.

How dare you?
How dare you steal from me what I always took to be mine?

Is it not enough that I crave the You I designed?

Don’t punish me.

You who have the power to breathe life into me or leave me bleeding death.

I want you.

“I have created a monster”

(Fine. I admit it. I want him. I'm not in Denial, it's just hormones =S)