I'm only Chasing Safety

JT,

You've engraved your initials so deep into my pulse that every boy who crashes into me catches me quicken in the same way.
I have always loved - before you and after, but always, I am drawn to the sharp edge of your scar where my bitter bitten fingernails scratch again and again till I bleed
These Boys, they mouth the same lies you did but it is your script I seek. You who taught me to cross my legs, my fingers and my heart so I don't get too 'serious'.

The Chocolate Boy who melted.
The Bassist who plays dead.
Superman who can't save himself.
The Night Prince who only wakes up wasted.

I've walled my veins, buried my blood, straitjacketed my heart, but the occasional heartburn always gets me to recount my pulse rate. I count slowly, checking and rechecking, till your initials are a blur, my heart a fist.

I paint my nails, my face, my hair, my body till I can barely breathe.
Your scar lies dormant, waiting.
Let go of my wrist,
I'm dying.

- Niv

Whatcha say?

The truth is, mystery lies in honesty.

But adolescence makes fucking liars of us all.

We play and switch sides and blades and hide our smiles behind fuck bands, so eventually our mystery fades and boredom and suffocation play referee to a game that ends in tears.

I vote for honesty.

I say, “I love you, now.”

So you know, right? That I love you. But I’m hitting you with it straight - I love you, now.  Tonight when flashing lights veil the whites of my eyes I might love a stranger, now.

We’re so young and overrun by blinding emotion, fueled by fire and intoxicants we forget how to unscrew, and then we end up, you know, screwing. So when her hands trace the silhouette of your spine I know you will love her, now, then.

And I will cry, then, but I know that someday when someone says, “I love you”, I won’t take change and chance and growing pains that spill scars into consideration.

I will say, “I love you too.”

‘cause that’s how we’ll roll, then.