Ghosts and Stuff

Dear Stranger,

I barely think of you now. When I do, the twisted ghost of 'If' walks through me and I struggle with the after taste, a fleeting heatwave of regret. But then he passes and I take a step forward, a step away from you. You were a distorted Doctor at the wrong place in the wrong time. Then again, who am I to decide? Still, the phonebox always stood fingertips away and I’ve made my peace with your vanishing act. They always do, you know.

If I could talk to you the only thing I’d say is thank you. You spent months trying to get behind my mask but now I’m wall-less without a watchman. Turns out I like it this way. It's the most comfortable I’ve felt in my skin in a while and surprisingly other people seem to like it too. I’m still treading softly but my dreams have laid down their defense mechanisms and I’m choosing to trust more easily, lie less lightly, be more grateful. I trust people. I thought you were the last Samurai but guess what, there was always an army of them waiting for these walls to come down. You've been really brave though. You blocked me out to save yourself a long time ago and you were strong enough to stick to it. You were strong enough to move when we were stuck. These new age Samurais, all they do is smoke pot and charmingly disseminate theories. It makes me worry about the size of their hearts. I never worried about the size of your heart.

Thank you for teaching me how to be human. It didn’t happen when you wanted it to, it happened now, without warning. I cry now, I feel, I listen and I laugh from deep down inside me because I’ve opened up a heart shaped box in the split of my spine and it’s going to stay.

Thank you for letting me go. In all honesty, I hated you for it. I still do. I don’t think I will ever forgive you. I always believed everything you said and you promised you would never leave. You promised a lot of things but this was the only thing I was completely sure you’d stay faithful to. You broke that promise which means you are no longer you. The person I knew was tirelessly self righteous and annoying as fuck about it. Surprisingly it’s the one thing I miss.

You were the best person I knew and I try to save snapshots but it’s fading so fast that sometimes I wonder if we ever really happened, if you were really such a huge part of my day, if we were so happy it hurt. We were, you know. My voice would change when I talked to you and you were always like the first drag of a third smoke – you expect the high but it hits you anyway.

Lastly, I’m sorry. This is a dead letter and even if you read it, it’s not for you. It’s for someone who died a month ago. I’m leaving you now and I will never come back. There’s nothing to come back to. Funnily enough, despite the drama, I doubt I would have ever really left you. You dominated my day and life just happened in between. Remember, diaries don’t talk back and the minute you chose to shut down you let yourself be my diary. I was a ghost here and I know I fought you like a fiend but it’s scary, okay, to be loved and to be in love with someone so effortlessly fucked over by geography.

The story of us is special. You always remember you first kiss, your first pair of green pants and the first girl who cried and slapped you because she realized she was in love with you. We’re closing this chapter so I’m going to do something I really want to. I’m going to give you a hug. Stranger, ex, boyfriend, friend, person, I don’t care. This is a hug from a girl to a boy and it’s yours for whenever you need it, okay?

So Stranger, if the angels still have the phonebox you could turn to stone. Don’t blink. Look away.

Stay safe.

Niv.